Olympics: shut your mouth and watch

I have a confession to make: I have an addiction. It's the Olympics... I just can't look away. As my clock hits 8:30 every night and I'm settling in after dinner, I automatically tune the TV to channel 4, as if some withdrawal-crazed, shivering, wide-eyed addict is inside me controlling my every move to get that Olympic fix. And now that gymnastics is over, I really have no idea why I'm watching. Track and field is so boring. Seriously, the race lasts 10 seconds and then they have to show it twenty more times in varying degrees of slow motion just to fill the space. And there's nothing worse than turning it on just to see baseball or basketball or some other sport that I thought I'd finally get a break from for a few weeks.

But by far the worst part of watching the Olympics--and being utterly unable to change the channel, even when badminton is on--has to be the commentary. I'm a figure skater, so I'm used to Dick Button's overly critical, often inane blathering at every major event. They even have a drinking game for when you and your other skater friends get together to watch Worlds ("Dick Button just called another girl's layback position "mediocre": everyone take a shot!" "Jeez, I am getting so wasted... can he please stop insulting the skaters that everyone knows he hates?"). But some of the blather I'm hearing from the expert commentators they've brought on to host events no one knows anything about is almost as bad as Dick's constant harping on "flutzes," a word I'm pretty sure he made up and continues to obsess over to make sure no one forgets it.

The worst by far is the woman who comments on diving (apparently named Cynthia Potter. The name alone suggests her grating personality. And then she opens her mouth and you hear that voice...). Not only does she rarely have anything nice to say about any of the dives, but even a near-perfect dive that receives 9.5s or even 10.0s gets some dose of criticism. Come on, lady... they probably didn't have that stro-motion technology when you were diving a million years ago, so stop acting so self-righteous whenever you show those pictures and find some flaw or another. Gah. I wonder if divers watching at home say "shut up, Cynthia" fifteen times per broadcast just like figure skaters reflexively yell "shut up, Dick" at their television sets every time he opens his mouth.

Nearly as bad are the sideline reporters who pull the American athletes aside after track and field events. First of all, they barely give them time to cross the finish line before ushering them over to answer the same stupid questions ("So what were you thinking out there?" "Uh.... run faster?"). The athletes are always panting and trying so hard to catch their breath that they can't even get full sentences out. Secondly, they always insist on asking the losers how they feel. Like yesterday, when Wallace Spearmon thought he'd won the bronze in the 200 meters only to find out post-victory lap that he had been disqualified. Of course, the reporter pulls the shell-shocked Spearmon over immediately and asks three variations on the question "describe your emotions now that you thought you had won a bronze medal only to find out you're disqualified." What an ass! I'm pretty sure his emotions are some combination of "shocked," "pissed off beyond belief," and "wanting to rip this f-ing reporter's head off." Let the man sulk in peace.

I have to say, though, that I can't help but love Bela Karolyi, the famous Romanian coach and expert commentator for gymnastics. Although he is severely biased toward the American team, it's so hilarious to watch him flip out at the unjust results that it doesn't even bother me (Cheng Fei falling and beating out Alicia Sacramone for the bronze on vault? Come on, that really was bullshit. And Bela's response was priceless). He does try to catch himself and remain as balanced as possible in general, but those moments where something astounding happens, good or bad, are hilarious. You have to love the clip of Bob Costas looking absolutely petrified when Bela celebrated Nastia Liukin's spectacular floor exercise during the All-Around. Check it out on NBCOlympics.com if you missed out.