"she loves to get naughty with her pilates body"

If ever there were ever an appropriate time to quote Mickey Avalon lyrics, it would be now.

After eating French fries and a fried egg doused in oil for dinner last night, let’s just say I was pretty pumped when my señora insisted that we join her for pilates today. And what an adventure it was…

We met her after class at an all-women’s gym, which was literally called “Gimnasio para Mujeres,” and when we walked inside, it was as if we’d stumbled into some sort of time warp and traveled back to the ‘90s. The walls were plastered with photos of nearly naked women with big, frizzy ‘90s hairstyles, posing on various exercise machines. Picture old-school “American Gladiator”, but with thongs and visible nipples. One absolutely ripped, absolutely naked, woman was doing curls. Which, you know, is just what I want to stare at when I’m running on the treadmill. Another be-thonged girl was sprawled across the elliptical machine in feigned fatigue, with a slogan reading “Stay a Step Ahead!” I may not have been motivated, but I was certainly amused.

We made our way over to the studio area, where the décor shifted from soft-core porn for workout addicts to the less fetish-specific stuff: half-naked men standing under a waterfall, half-naked men pushing a truck to some unknown location, half-naked men staring intently at a half-naked woman checking herself out in a mirror post-workout. For the more prudish, there was one motivational poster without any skin: one of those classic, black-bordered posters with a picture of the ocean and an inspirational quote.

As if the questionable interior design wasn’t enough, pilates itself was a bit of a trip. Not only have I never done pilates, but I also didn’t know any pilates language in Spanish. So not only did I look like a complete retard trying to fake it and look at other people for guidance, but I also looked like an even bigger idiot in front of all these little old ladies who knew exactly what they were doing. Yep, at last 90% of the attendees were over 70. Let’s just say I didn’t get much of a workout, but I did learn how to say, “Clench the ball with your knees and breathe out” in Spanish. I did regain some of my lost self-esteem this afternoon when we met some friends for our first experience with Spanish film and I was actually able to understand almost everything that the characters said. I guess looking like an idiot is the best way to learn, anyway, and I’ll probably be doing a lot of it as I continue to fumble with—and drastically improve—my Spanish.